Full Moon
by Rhadeya
Summary: It's time for Riddick to do some thinking about the past...


A cool breeze blows gently from the west, making me shiver as brushes the sweat running over my skin, but I don't care any more. I can hear Jack moving about in the small ship behind me and I curse silently, hoping she would remain asleep a while longer. I don't want to have to be sociable at the moment, my heart is too heavy with grief and I need time alone to try and put recent events into perspective. After a few minutes the noises cease and I sigh, knowing she has gone back to her small cot to get some more sleep, leaving me with my dark thoughts and painful memories. I can still hear the words she said last night, still feel the pain of her accusations and it cuts me deeply. 

**_"Fry? Where are you? I can't see you any more!" the pain in Jack's voice hurts me, the way she is calling out for Carolyn, hoping the pilot will save her. Moving to her side, I lay my hand on her arm gently, hoping to comfort her, allow her to sleep peacefully but my touch doesn't calm her, she jerks away violently. A small hiss escapes her lips as her delicate mouth curls into an angry snarl._**

**_"You bastard! You left her to die! Why did you leave her Riddick?!? You let her die!" her words are so full of anger and hatred that I pull away from her, shocked to discover how she feels. I don't know why she has never said anything to me, why it is that I have to find out how she feels while she is dreaming. I remember someone once told me that dreams never lie and that, while you are asleep, you are unable to speak an untruth. I never realised that Jack blamed me for Carolyn's death, I always thought she accepted that there was nothing I could do to save her, but I see now that the girl has been lying to me for the past year._**__

When she woke this morning she had no idea what she had said while asleep, nor that I now knew the truth about her feelings towards me. I think I managed to hide it well but her accusations hurt me and now I have to decide where I go from here, where WE go from here. 

Clearing my mind for a moment, I watch how the moon sits low in the sky, casting its pale light in the dark night. A few more days and it'll be at its fullest but the sight doesn't fill me with the joy it usually does. A year ago the sight of a nearly full moon would have brought a smile to my lips because it was always a time I loved, it settled the savage beast within me and brought out a side of me rarely seen. When I was on the run from Slam it meant taking risks, maybe going into a large town without a disguise, maybe picking up a woman from some nameless bar and satisfying my carnal desires. 

"Not any more," my voice sounds strange in my ears, slightly gravely as if I hadn't spoken for a while. It takes a few moments for me to realise that it's not rough from lack of use but rather from the grief and guilt eating me up inside. Before I can stop it, your face comes to mind and my heart contracts once more, the look of surprise and pain splashed across your beautiful features is like a knife in my chest, ripping out my very soul. 

Another face comes to mind and my heart fills with anger, the snarl that escapes my lips no shock as the beast within me rises towards the surface, fighting for control and demanding satisfaction.

"Johns!" I say the name as a curse, my voice low to avoid waking Jack. No matter how much time passes I will never be able to forgive you for what you did a year ago, the way you were so eager to sacrifice Jack to save your own miserable, worthless skin. I enjoyed watching as that beast split your skull in half, the way your blood and brains sprayed into the darkness was a pleasure so intense it scares me but when I think of Carolyn I think of the pleasure I felt when I saw you die. She should never have had to die but you deserved to, you sick twisted bastard. If I could change anything about the time on the planet, it would be that I killed you earlier, before the suns went down and the darkness descended. When Carolyn confronted you about the fact that you left her crewmate to die painfully when you had morphine that would have spared him, and Carolyn, the suffering both had to endure, I hope she made you realise what a worthless piece of shit you really were. Maybe someday I'll be just like you and step on people like you did but I hope not. I got so sick of you, sick the tension, sick of you acting like I owed you for something when I never did. You acted so calm, so strong, so damned generous but should have known that you'd wear out your welcome, that they'd see through your façade and see you for what you were.

Slowly Carolyn's face comes back into my mind, replacing Johns, and my anger ebbs away, leaving me with a sense of longing like nothing I've ever felt before. 

"How do I go on now Carolyn? I'm here on this barren planet, with a kid who's life is in danger every moment she's with me, and who puts me in danger while she insists on tagging along. You gave me back the humanity I lost so many years ago and now it's killing me, it's eating me from the inside out!" the fury and anguish in my voice is no longer surprising to me, it's there every time I talk to you. I still don't know why you came back for me, you shouldn't have but you're not the type of person to leave people behind. _"You weren't that type of person,"_ I correct myself and it finally hits me; if I want to move on and return to living instead of merely existing, I have to let you go. 

The only problem is, I don't know how.

I know Jack does care, regardless of the fact that she blames me for your death, and I know you'd want me to take care of her but I don't think I can. What sort of life can I give her? Moving from place to place, forever on the run from Mercs like Johns, never being safe, always in danger? That is no life, especially for a child. Should I find a safe place and leave her? Should I allow her to keep tagging along? Slowly I allow my weary body to sink back against the damp grass beneath me, my mind full of questions. Closing my tired eyes, I wait for answers to come while I find a place to rest…


End file.
